it's been a week since i got sick, and i'm still not 100%. actually forced myself to get dressed and go for a walk today just 'cos i've not really been out of the house at all in the last week. made it once round the block then straight back in under the duvet. crazy. well, doesn't matter how ill i feel tomorrow morning, i'm going to make into work come hell or high water, to deliver my news. what news, andy? well...
went to get the results of my biopsy, not last thursday but the thursday before. it turns out the lump on my rib is cancerous. well, no surprises there, but the problem is that they can't remove it without removing the surrounding lung. to cut a long story short, if they cut every bit of cancer out of me, i won't have enough lung left to breathe. this means that finally, it's been decided that my cancer is inoperable.
what does this mean? for a start it means that there is now no hope that i can be cured by orthodox means. there are still alternative and complementary treatments out there, but i have to be realistic and think that they will only help keep things in check. even major players in the alternative treatment world (people such as julian kenyon
) admit that sarcoma are tricky wee buggers. but alternative treatments - and trial drugs (more of which later) - could keep me going for longer, which is the name of the game from now on.
so - questions. how long have i got? what am i going to do with myself? what about work? ah yes, work, forgotten about that. i'm going into work tomorrow to let them know what the score is. i intend to go on permanent sick leave, which will probably mean i get put on half salary. there are other options of course, which i'm going to have to discuss with the boss and the h.r. department. i do know that my working life is pretty much over for the time being. this is a crushing disappointment, considering how hard i've worked to get to where i am just now, but at least i got there. i made it as a java coder, and no-one can take that away from me. it's the one thing in my life i'm really really proud of, so that goes some way to take the edge off the fact i won't be working for much longer.
what am i going to do with myself? have some fun! i'm going to do a bit of travelling, and maybe move back to glasgow. as luck would have it, there's a trial drug clinic in glasgow which is twinned with the one at the marsden, so i could live up there and still go through the same trials as the ones i'd get in london. this is very important - apart from my friends, and the good comlementary resources down here, the marsden is pretty much the only reason i'm tied to london. so i could rent a flat in glasgow, enjoy a more chilled out life up north, be closer to my family, and *still* get treatment. it sounds like a good idea - watch this space ;-)
and as for how long i've got left - who knows? michelle - my doctor - doesn't think i'll be in any real trouble this year, but can't be more specific than that. there is apparently someone on the trial drug treatments who's lasted four years, and she's got a sarcoma - so i could be around for a while yet. fucking hope so, i've gota few places left to visit yet!